There’s this dream. A recurrent dream I kept having a couple of years ago. In it, I see myself in a European monastery. How do I know I was in a European monastery? I just do. It’s one of those dream things where you just know something. I’m there because I’m hiding. Because I’m being hidden. The prevailing theory is that this is the only place where it won’t find me. It being the monster that’s after me. The people here assure me that this is the only place where I’ll be safe. And for the first time in a long time, this seems to be true. There is a lingering feeling of fear. Fear that the monster will find a way to me. Just as it has before. But I believe these people. But not long after this, I see myself standing on a hill, looking back at the monastery in the valley. It’s getting devoured by the monster - if you’ve seen the movie Dune, think the sand worm. The monastery, and every person in it, dies. And all I can do is run again.
The monster in this dream seems to be linked in some way to me. This is another one of those dream things that I’m aware of. I’m aware that I’m running out of hiding places. I’ve ran halfway across the world, and it still finds its way to me.
Stepping out of the dream a bit, a curious thing occurs to me. One thing that stands out to me about the dream is that I’m always running. I never actually stop. I never face the monster. And by doing so, I cause a lot of collateral damage. To those willing to take me in. To those sympathizing with my cause. I watch a whole monastery going down. And in that moment, all I can do is start running again, hoping I find somewhere safer. I never stop to face the fear. I’m too afraid of it devouring me.
The Harden Step Back
I’m about to make a sport reference, so please bear with me. I hope it will make sense later in the article.
A couple of years back, James Harden caused a lot of controversy for a move that a lot of people thought was illegal. It was called the Harden Step Back. He’d dribble to just inside the three point line, fake a forward drive, but instead take two steps (sometimes three, hence the controversy) back outside the three point line and shoot. It was a predictable move. When you watch his marker, you can tell that he’s anticipating the step back. But there’s little to nothing the marker can do. So while it was predictable, it was reliable. So reliable that Harden was one of the best shooters for a couple of seasons in a row. So reliable that a lot of other players started copying the move. You’ll see the move a lot more today. Some players take a quick look down to make sure they are in the right place. The best ones know instinctively that they are in the right place.
The thing about the move is that it offers more time and space to shoot. There can only be one or two markers covering the three point shooter, compared to shooting from the basket, where it is almost always crowded. And if you do make the shot, it offers more points to the team. To the point that this season, the most reliable predictor of which team wins a game is which team scored more threes. But to make the shot, you have to stop short of running at the basket, aim, and shoot.
Dazed and Confused
This is one of those articles that I almost didn’t want to put out. It’s from a personal experience. I’ve been debating whether this belongs here or in my journal. I’ve been asking myself where the line of oversharing is, and whether this crosses it. Maybe it does. But while going through this personal experience, I received what seemed like really simple advice at the time. But in hindsight, is really profound advice. Advice that I think everyone should hear.
As I was experiencing the crisis, I didn’t know left from right, front from back. It was all chaos. And the chaos produced a lot of uncertainty. Uncertainty that led to fear. I am a big fan of uncertainty, just not within the circle that is me and the people I care for. I subscribe to the Jordan Peterson advice of keeping your house in order. For some weeks there, I was waking up dazed and confused, and I’d just stroll through the day in the same manner. I figured if I just kept running forward, it would all be okay. But it was getting worse. And it was taking a toll on me. On my sleep. On my concentration. On my ability to pay attention. I was afraid and anxious. Because for the first time in a while, the dream I had created for myself was in danger of disappearing. A dream that, until that point, was just something far off in my mind. An intangible thing. An unreal thing. I was scared that this thing that wasn’t real, that I had no assurance of getting, that I wasn’t owed, was going to be lost.
Take Stock
This continued until I had a meeting with someone vastly more experienced than I was. And he told me that in situations like this, uncertainty is the enemy. That in situations like this, instead of running forward blindly, sometimes what you need to do is take a step back, like Harden. Slow down, take stock. What information do I know for sure? What resources do I have at the moment? What can the information and resources I have at the moment do to help the situation? Who can I reach out to? What can I postpone? What can I get rid off? What can I write off? Where can I put my attention to yield the best return? What this looked like for me was taking a pen and paper, and asking myself a few of these questions. Asking yourself these questions does a lot to alleviate some of the uncertainty. Not all, but some. And it will pull back your stress levels to some extent. At least enough so that you can sleep. Because we do not fuck with sleep. What it did for me was make me realize that I was going to be fine. That I had set myself up to survive pretty well going forward. That my worst case scenario wasn’t something I couldn’t recover from. That, in the short run, nothing would have to change. And that I had a wonderful support system that I could fall back on if a black swan event wiped me out. Whatever happened, I was probably going to be fine.
Before You Jump
When your back is against the wall, I urge you to do the same. Slow down for a fucking minute, and take stock of what you have. If you really take the time to do so, you will realize that you have a lot. You just can’t see it because you are running blind. And yes, there might be someone reading this who has nothing, but to you I say, find something. Something that you care about. You’d have to be a psychopath to not have something to care about. And make that something your project going forward. Work on it as best as you can, as far out as you can. A lot of the richest people are people who come from pain, but found something they cared about. But please notice that I say find ‘something’ to care about. Not ‘someone’. This is an important point. People are not drugs.
When you slow down and take stock, you’ll also realize a few things. Remember that one person who at one point you thought was the end all, be all for you? Imagine you got over him/her. Remember that situation that you though was going to be the end of you? Imagine you survived. Remember when you thought a certain amount of money was a lot. Imagine it’s not anymore. You don’t have to be religious to see miracles. And when you look at your life, there are going to be two or three miracles that you’ve already pulled. Confidence is proof. And when you take stock, you’ll see that you already have proof. You just need to remind yourself of this from time to time. For the most part, whatever it is that your facing, you’ll be fine.